Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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