i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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