I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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