The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
