Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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