Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
