Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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