i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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