i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she told me i tasted like america
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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