mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
