Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
