good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
