you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
