It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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