I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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