I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
