The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
