he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
