I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
