if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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