you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
