Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
