The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
