Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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