What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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