btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
