someone get that fucking seahorse.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
