4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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