I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
