i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
