Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
