guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
