This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
