it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
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They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.