I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.