I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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