They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
