Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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