This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize