im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
