it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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