Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
