I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
