I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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