just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
what the fuck happened to the tacos
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
