Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
