my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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