Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
