i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
