Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
