he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
