I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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