that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
