If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
