It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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