I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just tell him i said nine months
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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