I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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