Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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