I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Your cock deserves a montage
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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