watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
