she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Another day, another engagement, another cat
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
