Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
