Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
