the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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